Seasons of change

It has been awhile since I have blogged. When I decided to start the blog, I planned to publish every other month. At the time I was working full time in a corporate marketing position. I was also building Be True and helping to raise our girls with my husband. I understood that publishing frequently could add pressure, so I wanted to be realistic.

At the time of my last published blog, my world looked much different than it does today. I have had some major wins and one immense loss that has rocked me to my core. I honestly have not recovered from it and I never think I will completely heal. 

In August, I decided to resign from my full time corporate job to do a few things. 

1. Help my girls with 4 weeks of online learning in the fall, which was mandatory due to Covid. 

2. Help take care of my Dad who has been struggling with myotonic dystrophy among other health concerns for many years. This year he took a quick turn and his health was failing. 

3. Get my own health back on track. After an extended period of intense stress from my corporate career, along with a cancer scare this spring and surgery this summer, I sought additional help. I found out from my new natural doctor that I had a lot to work on to get healthy again. 

4. Spend some time focused on Be True to help bring back my joy, by doing something that I love!

An unimaginable loss. 

Resigning from my corporate job could not have come at a better time. I needed the ability to address all of these things. Unfortunately, one week into being a stay at home Mom, supporting the girls with their online learning, my Dad went into cardiac arrest. One week after that, we lost him. The week between his heart attack and his death was full of trips to the ICU. We were blessed to get snuck in for 10 minutes three separate times to see him. During these short visits, he was sedated and unable to communicate or even look at us. 

I am grateful that my Mom got to see him wide awake and smiling the day he passed. She took a great picture of him and all of the family was so hopeful he would pull through. I even had the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him over the phone. He could not audibly say it back because his throat was so irritated from being intubated for several days. My Mom told me he was saying it back though. I am also happy he was with my Mom and not alone when he passed. So many people have died alone this year. I am heart-broken that we were in the car on our way there when it happened, but I am not sure I could have witnessed it myself. I am guessing he knew that. 

There are no words to describe the feeling of losing a parent that you completely adored. Trust me I have tried. I have described it as a “loss of lightness”, “a weight being dropped onto me that he had always carried for me, but I was unaware of the weight until it fell to my shoulders”, and “a hole that won’t be filled again on this Earth”. Overall, it completely sucks and if you have experienced it, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have heard it doesn’t get easier, but you learn to live with the hole. 

To be honest, Be True was kind of set to the side while I helped prepare his funeral. I desperately needed to give myself some time to try to heal, even if it is only a small bit of healing. I am absolutely still moving through the stages of grief, in fact, I feel like I can move through all the stages in one day, or one week, and it just comes right back around to do again the next day or week. 

Our new world.

So here we are, just over three months since he passed. I could go on and on about the incredible God moments I have experienced since he has been gone. There have been songs that have come through random playlists on Spotify. There have been SO many rainbows – literally and figuratively that have popped up to grab my attention. In another blog, I may even share some of these incredible moments. Today I want to talk about something that happened several weeks ago. 

We had been blessed with a short lull in Be True, perfectly timed for me to focus on family when I needed to most. Then in early November, I was contacted to be a part of a small in-person Holiday event. It was being hosted by a local female entrepreneur who reached out. She asked if I would join her and a handful of other local women. We are all working to make a difference for our families and our communities with what we do. It was like a ray of sunshine when I received this request.

This invitation was followed by an amazing amount of quick orders that all came in within just a few days. I am beyond grateful for the support of our Be True Community – you all have given me somewhere to focus my energy as we navigate this first Holiday season without the man who made every holiday during the year so very special. Thank you!

So over the past few weekends I got to work, filling orders and upping our inventory for the event. I even signed up for another online event because after I was asked to join the in-person event, I was reinvigorated and reminded of my why. I really needed that boost to get me excited to move forward even while I am missing my Dad like crazy.

Words of Wisdom.

I didn’t know this before he passed, but when I received the invite to participate in the in person show, Mark was so excited to see me so happy. He shared with me one of the last conversations my Dad had with him before he passed. It was in regards to my career and what I was doing. I tried not to talk about work too much with my Dad, but he had picked up on my general frustration. We also didn’t talk much about Be True. I imagine he looked at it more like a hobby for me. 

You see, he had worked at Ford Motors for over 35 years. My Dad told Mark that he always looked at it as a job. He didn’t need anything more from it than his paycheck and his benefits. He could see I needed more than that. My Dad recognized my deep need to make a difference by helping others and a desire to get enjoyment and fulfillment out of the hours I pour into something other than my family. He told Mark, he just wanted me to find something that made me happy.

My Dad was the hardest working man I know. I inherited his deep commitment to working hard and doing great work. After taking this time to focus on family, I am certain he would want me to get busy doing the things that make me happy – and Be True is a HUGE source of happiness for me.

So now we move forward. We have been preparing for the exciting Holiday season and what happens when the dust settles after the start of the new year. We get back to working on important things that allow us to support others. We focus on family and friends and bringing good things into this world to make it a brighter place. We bring his memory along with us as we evolve into something greater than we had previously imagined. 

Moment of Gratitude….for my Daddo.

Thank you for all the incredible memories Daddo. I am grateful for your love, support and your adoring smile. Thank you for taking the time to talk to Mark that day, so he could share the conversation with me. I needed to hear the words you spoke that day, and I needed to hear that the words came from you. Thank you for giving me the permission to free myself from the idea that my title and paycheck defines my worth, and instead, allowing me to focus on finding what makes me happy by using the gifts I have been given.

I will bring you with me in my heart, along this journey, and I will no longer settle for anything that doesn’t bring us happiness. I love you so much and I know in my heart that this change in my focus is making you smile. The smile that makes your cheeks lift and your dimples pop and the smile that filled so many other hearts with the love you spread while you were still here with us. I miss you every single day. I love you.